Grief's Pleasure
by Amydali86
Summary: Serena is so heartbroken over Darien breaks up with her. The normally happy and ever cheerful Serena turns to cutting to heal her pain. However, Darien finds out and makes her stop. Disclaimer: I do not condone self-inflicted harm and this is fictional work. Rated M.
1. Cleansing

Grief's Pleasure

Chapter one: Cleansing

Summary: Serena is so heartbroken over Darien breaks up with her. The normally happy and ever cheerful Serena turns to cutting to heal her pain. However, Darien finds out and makes her stop.

Disclaimer: First, and foremost, I would just like to say that I do not condone cutting, self-mutilation, or suicide. This is totally fictional, and I insist that if you are even thinking of cutting, or suicide, please seek help. Next, I do not own Sailor Moon.

Author's Note: This thought came to me while watching the episode where Serena witnesses Lizzie (Andrew's sister) on the back of Darien's bike after his latest nightmare. When he says "this is killing me too, Serena". Or something like that and the thought came to me, what if? What if she ended up hurting herself? By the way, I know this story has a lot more angst than my usual stories. Please read and review.

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It happened the first time she saw him with another girl on the back of his bike. After Darien woke her up from the sleeping death, but told her they still couldn't be together. She never meant for it to happen, but she felt so much better when she did it. She always made sure to do it when Luna or Rini or any of the girls were around, and she always made the marks where her friends couldn't see or where she could explain it away as her usual clumsiness. The white scars soothed her in ways she couldn't explain, and the redness of the blood that appeared calmed her. The scars didn't last long- they always healed after a couple of transformations.

She tested the blade's sharpness, and ran it slowly over one thigh. The blood seeped out in a line. She could smell the copper tint in the red line and she sighed- in pain, in pleasure, in release. It was like the cutting relieved the pain in her heart. She knew if any of the girls knew they would try to stop her. It wasn't like she planned it, but every time Darien acted so cold, she needed the release. Ironically, transforming into Sailor Moon gave her the same pleasure, the same release. But she couldn't transform five or six times a day- Darien would sense it. Or at least she assumed he would, it seemed like he didn't show up as often, since kissing her awake from the sleeping death.

She glanced at the Sleeping Beauty story that she had thrown across the room one day after that kiss. Fairy tales no longer held the same allure. The princess doesn't always get the prince. Tears welled in eyes again, and she drew the blade over her other thigh, the bleed pooled in a line of crimson. She gasped and sighed in release, the pain calming her.

Soon her thighs were a mass of bloody welts and she stood by the sink cleaning the wounds and the knife. She whimpered as the warm water stung the fresh wounds and wrapped a strip of gauze around the thigh with the worse of the cuts.

"Beep beep beep," Her communicator alerted her to trouble and she grabbed her broach while running down stairs.

"Mom, I'm going out for a bit, I'll be back in time for dinner!" She raced out the door before her mom could stop her and once past the gate she tapped the communicator to answer. "I'm on my way." She picked up speed and leaped over a surprised Sammy at the corner.

"Sis, where are you going!?" Sammy said, gaping when Serena just waved. He shrugged and continued home.

Serena could feel her thighs burning where her cuts were, and she knew she needed to transform- if only so the girls didn't find out about her secret.

"Moon Crystal Power!" The rush of Sailor Moon was like a balm to cuts and she could feel them seal up as the fuku appeared around her body, and her tiara gleamed with the power of the moon.

As usual, the Black Moon's droid was hideous. It had attacked a convalescent hospital and dozens of elderly people had been drained of their life force. Sailor Mars held fire in her hands and was angrily tossing it at the droid. Sailor Mercury was in the corner, using her Mercury computer to scan for a weakness.

When Sailor Moon arrived, the droid shrieked and sent an energy draining wheelchair after her. Sailor Moon shrieked and allowed herself to be chased by the racing wheelchair. "Sailor Mercury, hurry," she yelled, her jeweled odango buns bouncing as she leaped and jumped to avoid the (fortunately) grounded wheelchair.

"I'm working on it!" Sailor Mercury typed faster, reading at a hyper rate as information crossed her visor. The diagram of the monster zeroed in on a joint in the neck and she yelled to Sailor Mars, "Aim a fireball at its neck!'

"Right." Mars allowed her fire power center in her body, drawing it out. "Mars, firebird…." The fire hovered on her finger tips, and then lit up the strip of charmed paper with a crackle "Strike!" The monster shrieked as it was lit up in golden flames, and it collapsed on the ground, writhing. "Sailor Moon, now!"

"Right." Sailor Moon held the Moon scepter in her hand and twirling it she began to concentrate the power into the wand, "Moon Scepter! Elimination," Golden and pink lights began to strobe out of the scepter, hitting the monster in repeated strikes. It became a pile of sand, and a jewel fell onto the pile, the black inverted moon fading as it hit the pile.

"Nice job, Sailor Moon!" Sailor Mercury approached her.

"She was still late," Sailor Mars said, her transformation fading away to reveal Rei, who loved to fault with their leader no matter what.

"That's not fair, Rei," Sailor Mercury said, letting her transformation fade as well, "She was called late. It's not like she has psychic powers that inform her ahead of time of the droids."

Sailor Moon shrugged off Rei's hurtful words, keeping her transformation in place, "It doesn't matter, Ami. Rei, awesome fire strike."

Rei was surprised, usually Serena fought whatever she said or at least said that she, Rei, was a meanie. She was immediately suspicious of the compliment as well as the fact that Serena hadn't dropped the transformation. "Serena, are you okay?"

"Sure. But I gotta get home, Mom's expectin' me home for dinner and an explanation, I bet. Bye!" Sailor Moon dashed out, glad that she hadn't seen Darien this battle. Not surprised, though, he'd been showing up less and less ever since he woke her up from the sleeping death.

~~~~POV CHANGE POV CHANGE~~~

Unseen, Tuxedo Mask dashed over rooftops, secretly watching Sailor Moon as she finally let the transformation fade. Earlier he had sensed something from Serena's soul bond, but it was distant and faded, and he had only felt the transformation faintly. He was worried about Serena, because ever since his kiss had woken her from the sleeping death, the soul bond felt different. Fainter, distant, and he only felt her emotions when she was unguarded now. He counted on the soul bond to watch over her- it was necessary to his sanity until he could figure out how to keep the nightmares from being true.

The nightmares were changing too. It was just the death scene now- not the anonymous voice warning him of danger and not the sight of his happy Serena. Her dream screams echoed in his head in his waking moments now. Like he said, his sanity counted on their soul bond to let him know that his Serena was safe. His Serena. He was lucky he could still feel that emotion through that bond.

He couldn't even show up to the battles, not because he didn't want to, but because Rei and Lita warned him to stay away, after the sleeping death thing. So he watched, from the rooftops, keeping an eye on things, just in case. He knew Rei and the other scouts would do their best to protect her, but just in case something happened, he wanted to be nearby.

He watched as Serena hurried up her walkway to the front door. A gust of wind blew her skirt up and he glimpsed something white – he looked away, thinking, oops, got a panty shot, but something made him look back, and he noticed that they were white gauze bandages, stained with light stripes of red. Serena hurriedly pushed the skirt down as she glanced around the street, making sure no one saw.

He saw her hold the skirt down as she entered her home. He felt like such a stalker, but he had to make sure she was alright. So he waited, just out of sight of her window, on the balcony. He watched as she entered her room and sat on the bed, removing the bandages. They were stained with stripes of red, and her thighs held scabbed over cuts. And as he looked closer with his enhanced eyesight, he saw white lines all over her thighs. A couple of dozen of white scars marred her beautiful skin and his heart lurched as he realized what they were. Cuts. Old and new, scarred over, and fresh. They couldn't have been from battles, the monsters never used blades, and this last monster hadn't even been able to grab her.

A sick feeling rose in his stomach as he came to realize that the cuts could be self-inflicted. He walked closer to the door, trying to confirm this awareness. She seemed to be drawing a finger over the cuts, tracing the damage slowly, almost reverently and something in him froze. She looked up, seemingly at a noise from her bedroom door, and hurriedly covered her thighs. She answered the door to an impatient Rini and Serena nodded in response to whatever Rini said and left the room, shutting the door.

Within moments, Darien had the balcony door open and was in the room, looking for something to confirm that she was cutting herself, and he peeked in drawers, finding nothing. He looked in the bathroom, and noticed that a drawer was about an inch open. He pulled it out and he froze. A sharp, gleaming knife lay on top of gauze bandages, proving his suspicions.

"Oh, God," was all that he could say, in a whisper. He picked it up and his psychometric ability picked up visions of Serena using it on those cuts. He carried it to the bed, and sat heavily on her pink bunny bedspread, and held it.

~~~POV CHANGE POV CHANGE~~~

Serena felt like she barely tasted the food she had forced herself to eat. She couldn't explain it, but a ball of dread sat in her stomach, like a rotten apple. She helped Rini do the dishes, by rote, not even commenting on Rini's bright chatter.

"Serena. Serena. Serena!" she finally heard her mother calling her name.

"Yes, Mama?" She turned to her mother, keeping her gaze down.

"Did you finish your homework?" Her mother asked, and she was concerned when Serena didn't even whine about studying.

"Yes, Mama," was all Serena said, "Good night." Serena listlessly walked upstairs.

Her parents, Sammy, and Rini looked upset. Ken and Ikuko exchanged glances, wondering what had made Serena change over the last couple of weeks, and Rini gazed up the stairs, knowing already what was wrong with her.

Upstairs, Serena opened her door, and shutting it, keeping her gaze on the floor, not even noticing the tuxedo clad Darien sitting on the bed until she reached the bed.

"Darien! What-?" She began to ask, and then she saw the knife in his hands. She paled, speechless.

Darien met her gaze, his midnight blue eyes darkened with heartache. "Serena, what are you doing?"

_Chapter END_

Author's Note: You all know that I like to leave cliffhangers. Tune in for the next chapter. And please remember, I know that Serena would never really hurt herself. It's not in her character. Read and review. And like I said, I do not condone suicide or self-inflicted harm, I honestly think it is a the coward's way out.

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	2. Confrontation

Grief's Pleasure

Chapter Two: Confrontation

Summary: Serena is so heartbroken over Darien breaks up with her. The normally happy and ever cheerful Serena turns to cutting to heal her pain. However, Darien finds out and makes her stop. This takes place between "Prediction of Doom/ Awaken Sleeping Beauty! Mamoru's Distress (episode 62/69) and "Child's Play/ The Dark Gate Is Completed? The Targeted Elementary School" (74/81- episode differences due to not all episodes were translated.

Disclaimer: I do not own Sailor Moon.

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She felt anger swelling within her and she also felt defeat within her. She turned her back on him, whispering, "You have no right," and she quickly wiped away a tear, still with her back turned, "You have no right," she said louder. She turned back to him, her eyes cold, "You walked away from me. From us, and you have no right to come into my room and spy on me. You said it yourself, Darien. Our present should not be dictated by our past. You said we were through, that you didn't have the same feelings any more. You yelled it at me and then you saved me multiple times, giving me hope. And you kissed me awake, giving me more hope before shattering my heart even more. No more. Damn it, Darien. I don't have to explain myself," she drew a deep breath, "We're done." She turned her back on him and left the room.

She sat by her door, her head on her knees, tears trickling down her cheeks. Rini came up the stairs, her hands on the Luna ball. She asked, "Serena, are you ok?"

"I'm fine," Serena wiped her face, turning away from Rini, "I thought I saw a mouse in my room."

"A mouse?" Sammy had followed Rini up the stairs, and turned a disbelieving stare on his older sister, "A mouse makes you cry like that?"

Serena nodded, and mumbled, "Would one of you check?"

Sammy sighed, "Where's your cat? She probably dragged it into your room as a 'present'.

"Luna hates mice," Serena and Rini said in unison.

"I'll check," Rini said, and she opened the door. Serena's bedroom was empty, the balcony door open and the breeze was blowing the curtain in and out of the door, "No mouse, Serena."

"Thanks," for the first time in days Serena gave Rini a hug, and said, "It probably left through the open balcony door." She stood up and went into the room, Sammy and Rini standing in the open doorway in the hall. She shut the balcony door, latching it tightly. She turned to the bed, noticing how late it was on her chicken alarm clock. She told Rini and Sammy, "Bedtime for all of us."

Rini nodded, she saw the story book on the floor, "Will you read me a story?"

Serena followed her gaze, "No." It came out harsher than she intended, but she decided that fairy tales weren't worth it anymore.

"Please?" Rini wheedled, her red-brown eyes pleading, "I promise to go right to sleep." Sammy rolled his eyes and left the hallway going to his own room, leaving Serena to listen to the begging.

Serena looked down at the book, "Okay, just not anything from that storybook. Pick something else."

Rini immediately understood. She remembered that night when Serena had once again saved her and had nearly died because of the droid. She nodded, quickly finding her pajamas and putting them on. She picked a simple story about a little girl and holidays, and fell asleep while listening to Serena's soothing voice.

Serena sighed when Rini's body grew heavy in her arms and she knew that Rini would be staying in her bed once again. She laid Rini down in the bed, covering her with the comforter, and then picked up the storybook off the floor. She looked at it- at one time it had all the secrets of love and romance, but now…. Now fairytales were the furthest thing from her mind when she thought about love. But the storybook was a gift from her grandmother and she still treasured it, so she put it on her top shelf in the closest, covering it with some spare blankets.

Serena glanced around her room. Her knife was missing. Darien wouldn't have put it back and he didn't leave it in her room. She knew he was going to reveal her secret to Rei and the others. He was too protective sometimes. She knew why he had broken up with her, some unknown danger in the future. Yes, she had the dreams too, and could see that Darien was having them. But she was done with trying to win Darien back, done with showing him that she didn't need his protection. The scars from the cutting would heal in a couple of transformations and they didn't show when she was transformed. She would just avoid her friends until then, except for battles. She could stop the cutting for a couple of days. And when her friends tried to confront her (and she knew they would) there would be no proof that she was hurting herself.

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Darien paced at the bottom of the temple steps. He had called ahead to ask Rei if he could talk to her and she had passionately told him that it would be a cold day in hell before he would be welcome to the temple, ever again. She told him to wait at the bottom, he would have five minutes to tell her what he wanted and then he would leave. He heard a soft heel on the steps and turned to look at her walking down the steps. She stopped on the last one, and gave him a stare that would have fried him, if such a thing had been possible. Which it could have been, cause you just never know with the fiery senshi of Mars.

"Rei, I think Serena is cutting herself," Darien said. That stopped Rei's hot glare, her expression changing into one of shock. He continued before she could said anything, explaining that he had been at the battle, that he followed Serena home, and saw the white lines on her legs. "I even broke into her room and found the knife. My psychometry tells me that this knife has been used repeatedly for weeks. Since I kissed her." He showed her the knife, it gleamed silver in the moonlight. He looked down on his black shoes, "Rei, I think this is my fault. I hurt her so much."

Rei couldn't get mad, not when Darien looked so miserable and pathetic, his blue eyes watery with sadness and regret. Rei sighed and reached out a hand to comfort him. The second she touched him, her body went rigid with psychic shock, unwillingly reading him. She gasped, her body going limp. Darien caught her, holding her tight and running up the temple steps and into the temple. Her body was limp and he could feel her body seizing while Darien's nightmares ran through her mind.

_Serena glided alongside Darien in a wedding dress, he in a white tuxedo. He was looking down at her, she glancing at him through the corner of her eyes. "Darien," she whispered "I'm so happy."_

"_Serena, I love you, I'm yours forever."_

"_Darien, I'll cherish this forever." They come closer together, about to kiss. Suddenly the ground around them began to disintegrate. Serena screams and they hear a voice shout._

"_Darien! You must stay away from Serena."_

"_I won't!" Darien shouted back as the voice said._

"_If you marry Serena, she will be placed in grave danger and the world as we know it will shatter forever. You must not go near her."_

"_You can't, Serena!" Darien said as she fell farther from him, "No! Serena." Red roses fell around him. _

The nightmare changes:

_Serena's face kept appearing to him, both as his future bride and the past princess, tears in her eyes. Fading away, falling away, the ground breaking up and her bouquet of roses falling back towards him." _

"_She won't survive!" The voice repeats through his nightmares._

Again and again the same images that Darien had been dreaming of for the last few weeks swirled through Rei's mind, her body shaking with same grief Darien felt every time he witnessed Serena's death. She wrenched her mind away and kept thinking of the laughing and lively Serena, the one who said she was like her sister and she wrenched herself from the repeating nightmares. She sat up and held her hand up to Darien who tried to touch her again, "No, don't," she gasped, and he backed away. She retched, her body dry-heaving as she fought back the psychic shock. Darien poured her glass of water, leaving it close enough for her to reach, and kept himself back as Rei brought herself out of his daily nightmare.

Finally, her body stopped shivering and she was able to calmly sip her water. A glaze of sweat stuck her bangs to her forehead and she pushed at them, using a nearby blanket to wipe the sweat away. A tremor ran through her body every few minutes, but still, she sipped. She looked up, and saw Darien's guilty expression.

"It's not your fault," she stated, "I usually block myself when I touch people, but I wanted to get a read from you."

"Rei-!" he exclaimed in surprise, not angry, but upset that she had put herself in that situation.

"I never imagined it was that bad. I'm sorry."

"Serena never told you?" he asked, surprised. The scouts rarely kept secrets from each other.

"Serena knows about these nightmares?" Rei asked. Apparently, her friend was a deeper well than she figured.

"Yes. She had one a few weeks ago, when that monster was putting spells on the wishing bracelets. She came to me. She said she didn't care what happened to her, that she only wanted me, but-"

"She dreamed of that?!" Rei was horrified. One of her best friends was keeping terrible secrets and of all the secrets someone would keep from her friends, they were terrible.

"Yes," Darien said, looking down, noticing that his socks mismatched, "I've been protecting her. From myself. I need her to be in this world, alive, even, no especially, if we're not together." He took a deep breath, "I've decided to leave Japan. I already talked to my school and they will transfer credits to whatever college that takes me, and I've put in applications to some of the top schools in Europe and America. My presence here is hurting her and I think, in time… she'll heal".

Rei was hesitant to speak, knowing she'd do the same thing, but it was her best friend- and her princess, "You can't run from this, Darien. It doesn't solve anything. First of all, Serena's cutting has to be more than just you. It might be the stress of seeing you all the time, renewing her heartbreak every day, but it's also probably more- school, friends, fighting these youma every single day. Maybe we didn't notice it, but maybe a monster is after her in some way, putting those thoughts in her mind. Maybe the Black Moon enemy has put a spell on her. We have to do something. And you have to be here to help us support her."

Darien shrugged, thinking she could be right. Everyone handled stress in different ways, after all. The nightmares stressed him out, he acknowledged to himself and he was handling it his way. More work, more alcohol, more exercise, and more adrenaline rushes. It made him reckless in everyday activities- his morning jogs, his late night motorcycle rides, jumping in to battle just to feel something besides constant fear. Maybe Serena's cutting was more than just grief over their break up. Then again, maybe that was just wishful thinking.

There was a noise from the doorway, and Darien whirled around to see Luna stepping into the temple. She hissed at him and arched her back. "What are you doing here?" She angrily yowled at him, and she looked at Rei, "What is he doing here?"

Darien had never seen Luna so infuriated before, not when she came to get him, not when she told him in a cold voice the scouts' message not to come to battles any more, and not when he had accidentally crossed Serena and Luna's path on the way to school, home, or work.

Her red eyes stared at him with wrath and he backed away, saying, "Rei will tell you. Rei, thank you for listening. He left the temple, feeling his neck prickle as he turned his back to Luna. He was tempted to run, even knowing Luna would still get him if she wanted to.

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Author's Note: I have more, but I think this is a good stopping point… please stay tuned.

Please comment, follow, favorite, etc. Thank you all for being so patient with me.


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